Dragon Age II: A Lizzy Sledge Review

Geez, I'm not so sure where to start.

I suppose a fair place to begin is the upgrade to graphics and gameplay which is a breath of fresh air in the series. Dragon Age Origins was a bit stiff, and the lack of speech from your character was unnerving and not easy for me to relate to. Dragon Age II (creative name, really, good job Bioware. Did you hurt yourself coming up with that?) the combat is a lot smoother, less mechanical, but feels a bit spastic. There's no real planning or strategy anymore, you just smash buttons like crazy and hope for the best while the other characters do even less thinking for themselves than the last game. At least Morrigan or Wynne would toss a healing spell in someones face once in a while, and on more than one occasion I have seen Alistair gulp down a healing poultice on his own. Now if you keep focusing on what you're doing, everyone will die, and if you're alone it's a almost a guarantee that you'll die too. It's nice to have well rounded characters on your team, but you shouldn't have to be so darn dependant on them in combat if all they're good at is talking about their sad, sad lives.

The other squad members are pretty well rounded and fleshed out, and all of them are apparently bisexual and completely ready to have a roll in the hay with you as well. With a couple broody exceptions it's pretty easy to be in a relationship, though I'm not attracted to any of them. The only person I'm attracted to is not a romantic option, he's the only one in the game who is completely straightforward with you and doesn't mess with your head, or complain about anything. I have little to no sympathy for a lot of the people in the squad, (if you bunk with Isabela get yourself tested, just a tip.) And despite the humorous dialogue out of combat and cutscenes, I find myself not really liking any of them.

And the one character I do start to like complains too much, and then blows up an old lady.

...Seriously?

I start to have sympathy for Anders, and you almost literally let it blow up in my face? Thanks for a real moral dilemma, Bioware, I know this is an interesting plot point, but way to pace it so I feel like my fart in church killed thousands of babies. Couldn't let the old bitty escape, huh? And to add insult to injury, if you get the DLC 'The Exiled Prince', they dangle the option of saving her over your head before pulling it away and dooming her to die anyway. She's a completely lovable character too, and that's just a bruise on your behind as you get kicked in the butt again and again.

The character design for Hawke, the character you play as, is a bit better too. However I can't use makeup on my female characters without them looking like a clown, and all my male characters either look like my boyfriend, that dude David Beckham, or some git who hasn't washed his hair in a month and used a pudding bowl to cut it. The hair is still unrealistic, but at least it waves around a little bit when you move your head. And no, you can't change your name from Hawke, you can't even have the other characters call you by a different nickname like... Bob. I wouldn't mind being called Bob. I'd prefer it over Hawke.

The overall big scheme concept for the game is fantastic, (spoilers) the fact that the Chantry's Templars and the Circle Mages finally fought it out in Kirkwall and sparked a magical revolution is awesome! But they did it in such a roundabout and repetitive way.

Go over here, fight some dudes, go over there, kill some maleficar. Now wait a year. Do it again. Wait some more. Oh look! A plot point! Wave at it as it disappears for another three years.

People enjoyed Dragon Age Origins because of the pacing too, keep it simple in that respect, I don't care if I live in a mansion in High Town so long as the plot is interesting and doesn't stall for the thirtieth time so you can listen to someone whine about Mage's rights. No one cares! We just want to finish the game so you'll be quiet! The concept of Mage's being oppressed would be even cooler if you would just shut up! If they all complain like you do, I want them in jail!

Too much politics for me, Fable III requires that you make choices based on the people's opinion of you, and those political choices are less annoying than the one presented in Dragon age II. It used to be simple: There's a good choice, a bad choice, and sometimes a neutral choice that doesn't do much of anything. Pick one. Predictably all your positive companions will sing your praises at doing the right things, while negative ones will laugh at burning kittens with you if you pick the bad choice. If you pick neutral, everyone goes 'fair enough' and leaves it at that. Now, even if you pick a positive choice, someone is going to whine about something, so much so that even people who thank you seem like they need a smack in the face.

And dialogue options? Just pick the purple one. Save yourself the trouble. You make everyone laugh instead of making them squeal about stuff you say whether it be good or bad. There's no real beneficial reason why you should be completely good or completely bad, or at least not that I've seen.

There are good and interesting missions in the game, that's true, but you have to wade through miles of thick monotonous fluff. Just hurry to the fight with the Arishok.

The best part for me? The ending. Not because the rest of the game was tedious, but because it's actually exciting, and not muddled in whiney politics. It is fast paced, interesting, well written, fun to fight in, and even prettier to see the tall, blond, beautiful, and aged-with-grace baddie get beaten on as she goes crazy. And after? The band breaks up, disappears, leaving poor Varric to be beaten up by a Chantry Seeker, and they still don't know where you are.

Waiting for the next one will be interesting. As hard as it was to find out, the plot with rebelling Mage Circles is a brilliant idea, I just wish it didn't take so long to get to the point. In the first one you could see what had to be done, it wasn't a big political mystery, you just had to get help before booting the Arch Demon in the buttocks.

Simplicity is good, let's hope they keep to for the next one... and that they have Varric as a romantic option, he's the sexiest dwarf I've ever seen.

So if you liked Dragon Age Origins, you may be surprised what this offers. For me it was too repetitive, doing the same thing over and over again with little change to the setting. But, you may get something different out of it than I did.

So if you want to meet the new squad members, pick up Dragon Age II! ...Or just look it up on wikipedia. Your choice.

Happy Gaming!

...Now we just have to wait for Mass Effect 3.

In Dragon Age Origins, you meet Anders as a Grey Warden, and you can give him a orange tabby cat as a gift. He names it Ser Pounce-a-Lot, and takes him everywhere. But then the Grey Wardens tell him to get rid of it, and take it away.

And so he runs away.

Because that...makes sense. Really.

He can be very amusing, but I prefer Anders when he isn't blowing up old ladies.